"The Casual Sports Fan" with Mark Wetzler

I used to be way more into conventional sports than I am now. This circa 1997 influence is fairly evident nowadays when I make any sports-related comment.
Here are just a few of my observations regarding the most current sporting events:

1) Tayshaun Prince is skinny (and left-handed)
2) I can't believe I heard the word, "fucking" on ESPN last night, as in when Rasheed Wallace angrily snapped at one of the cameramen, said "Get that fucking camera out of my face" and then threw his towel at him.
3) Kobe is actually a lot better spoken than I would have thought he would be, or at least better spoken than when I last saw him speak in an interview, which must have been about five years ago. My respect for him has gone up slightly (this also may have something to do with his fourth quarter performance against the Spurs last Thursday), and I no longer blindly assume he is a rapist.
4) Kevin Garnett looks like a pterodactyl (see: Exhibit A, below/right).
5) The Lakers are going to absolutely destroy whoever they play in the finals. They are playing on a different level than other teams. They are bigger, stronger and faster (like that camp you can go to for Babe Ruth baseball in Eastern Washington). Lamar Odom is 7 foot 6 and moves like he's 5 foot 6. Everyone on the Lakers is an absolute beast, and then you have Kobe, the best player in basketball. The Lakers will win.
6) How is Sam Cassell still playing NBA basketball? I thought he retired and became a commentator. He must be at least 50. I guess aliens don't age at the same rate as everyone else.
7) I do not like Flip Saunders. He's a grotesque version of Bill Murray (who is already grotesque enough) and his voice sounds like he smokes cigarettes made of sandpaper.
8) Theo "My Last Name Needs to Die With Me" Ratliff
9) Why do they show Jack Nicholson at least 10 times every Laker game? We know he is a fan. We know he has good seats. We don't care what his reaction is and we don't enjoy seeing is old-ass "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" mug every 4 seconds.
10) I've been watching the College Fastpitch World Series a little bit, and I've gotta hand it to the Arizona State girls. Not only are they pretty good, they're way - uh - slimmer than the girls on most of the other teams too. Now, hold on, hold on, easy. Don't get in a huff about what I just said. All I'm saying is that they are much skinnier (as a team) than most of the other teams in the Women's College World Series. I'm not saying this is better, though that is completely what it sounds like I am saying. All I'm saying is that their weight is pretty amazing considering the fact that if they collectively weighed as much as the girls on say, Alabama, they would probably hit every ball out of the park and absolutely dominate (see: Exhibit B, above right).
11) Speaking of the Women's College World Series, how fucking hilarious is it that John Kruk is one of the commentators? I remember having a John Kruk baseball card from the mid 90's in which he looked like he weighed about 350 pounds and as if he had just ingested another 30 pounds of undercooked red meat. So awesome.
12) Watching Jeff Van Gundy in the post-game wrap up of the Pistons/Celtics game, I thought to myself, "Man, that guy looks like someone I've seen before." And then it came to me: Ghost! You know the part in the movie Ghost where Patrick Swayze learns how to touch things in the human world from a from a maniacal spirit that inhabits the bowels of the New York Subway system? Jeff Van Gundy looks exactly like that guy! I think someone should check him for a pulse.
13) Not much to say about the French Open right now, other than I really hate Nadal and hope he falls into the Thames (*Seine). Bummer about Sharapova. She's mildly attractive.
14) So, of course, this year is a big deal because its the first Laker Celtic final since 1987, back when the two teams were both powerful dynasties. But it's also a big deal for me because it might be the thing that makes me start liking pro basketball again. I haven't really liked Pro basketball since around the year 2000, and honestly, why should I have? Who wants to watch a league that has a team called "The Raptors" that run around in purple jerseys? No one.
15) So, I wrote number 5 (the one about the Lakers destroying everyone) last night when I was a little tired and hadn't really thought things through properly. I failed to consider (and this may be way off) that the Celtics are probably the more experienced team overall and thus may put up more of a fight than I had originally thought. I'm saying this only because most of the players on the Celtics have names I recognize, due to the fact that they were good way back when I was an avid basketball fan, whereas the Lakers seem to have a disproportionate amount of Eastern European players who, while being good three-point shooters, have names I have never heard before in my life.
I suspect that Phil Jackson may be kidnapping babies from Romania and forcing them into basketball slavery, but this is purely conjecture.
Either way it should be a good series.

Well that's all for our first edition of "The Casual Sports Fan" with your host Mark Wetzler. Hope to see all of you again next time!

Next on Blog is the New Blog:
We'll head out to Toronto for BITNB's first ever, "Canadian Edition."

Ohio Bloggin' Part 343,322

There has been some dissent expressed due to the taking down of our recent video/audio hit "Cammy and Christina Vol.1" in which two sorority girls wake up after a frat party and discuss the previous night's shenanigans. The video will be up again here on Blog is the New Blog shortly, but until then you may watch it on YouTube. Just search "Cammy and Christina" (Warning: Video contains audio that is profane, extremely immature, and kind of awesome).
We're still in Ohio folks, and we're gettin' small-town fever. The highlight of my day today could very well be taking my mother to the airport, and kicking around a soccer ball in the back yard. I have devised an ingenious little golf-type-soccer course in the backyard that involves me kicking the soccer ball (which is actually a volleyball) from various obstacles (tree, sundial, bird bath) and trying to hit other obstacles (tree, sundial, bird bath, Ohioan)in as few tries possible. The par is always two and the course ends with me having to chip the ball up and get it to bounce off the top of the concrete bird bath that lies in the back corner my in my Grandma's backyard. I was completely unsuccessful last night despite many attempts but this morning finally succeeded much to my own delight and celebration.

I will also probably go to Dairy Queen tonight and get a medium cherry sundae.

Hold onto your hats.

Anyway, tomorrow the small-town Middle America life will come to a close and I'll head out to enjoy small-town Middle Canada life, otherwise known as Pelee Island, Ontario. From there my father and I will take a ferry to Leamington, Ontario, then a bus to Toronto, Ontario, and then finally rent a car that will take us up to Quebec. I just wanted to keep you all posted and give you the updates I know you are all dying to receive. There will be more shortly and also an Ohio Photo Collage showcasing some of the sights I have been soaking up this past week. If you're into pictures of wheat fields and bovines you will definitely want to check it out.

Until next time!

-Boosh Clown

Cammy and Christina Vol. 1

I found this video the other day of two UW sorority girls waking up after a frat party and discussing the previous night's events. Enjoy...
(Warning: Video contains audio that is both extremely vulgar and immature)

More Ohio Bloggin'

'Nother beautiful night here in Ohio. Fireflies ain't out--they don't come round till 'bout Joo-ly--but that's a good thang coz it mean the heat hold off a little bit too. Don't like it when it's too hot and still have to wear trousers. You know what I mean, them long trousers you gotta wear in the summer just coz it ain't right to go round walkin' near the canal in short pants.

Hot damn.

Ohio is the New Blog

Written May 22, 2008

Here at Blog is the New Blog, we like to hit the links whenever we can. Today I went to Arrowhead Golf Club in Minster, Ohio, where I played 9 holes by myself. It's a good thing I was by myself, due to the fact that my level of play was somewhat embarrassing. I'd say about 5 of the holes were played semi-decently (read: semi-terribly) and about 4 of the holes were a complete and utter abomination.
That said, I had the time of my life. I had forgotten how fun it is to play golf by yourself. There's way less pressure and you don't have to wait for people to hit and find their golf balls and take practice swings and read greens; you just walk to your ball and hit, and repeat the process until the ball's in the hole.
Which, granted, for me, today, took a little bit of effort.
But, like I was saying, I enjoyed every second of it, and when I'm on my own roaming the open countryside I try to find ways to amuse myself. I mainly I just talk to myself, loudly, and often in a Southern accent. After every shot I would say something like, "Now, goddamnit Mark it's eighta seecks yards and here yew are takin' a full swang with a peetchin wedge. Wat the hell yew thankin'? Course it went the hell o'er the hole, watch you espect? You spect it to get sum English er sum that damn portugeeze on eet and just stop 'erself rat therr ?" Or I'd be walking down the fairway, "Well, I'll be hot damned its goddamned gorjiss out today. Whoo-wee. Little bitta cross breeze but that don't matter we got ourselves a round 'a golf today, folks."
And so on and so forth.
On the way home from golf I even got lucky and my favorite song by Alan Jackson was playin' on the radio. Way down yonder on the Chattahoochie, never knew how much that muddy water meant to me. Well I learned how to swim and I learned who I was, lot about livin' and a little 'bout love...
So here we are in Ohio, folks. The next week or so is going to be an interesting medley of taking walks, bike rides, hanging out with my siblings when they finally get here, and being bored out of my skull. Please send some love my way when you get the chance. I would love to hear from each and every one of you.
Y'all take care, na.

Video of the Day

Retour a Vega by The Stills


Big ups to Jenny Newman for introducing me to this song in the first place.

Rippin' it.

The Moops

Only 22 hours left to vote on Blog is the New Blog's latest poll, "Does Mark have the balls/ovaries to delete his Facebook account?" Interestingly enough (see: sadly enough), not a single person has voted "Yes" so far. People either think that A) I don't have the balls, or probably more likely B) Not only do I not have the balls, even if I did have the balls I would never delete my Facebook account because I adore it.

Either way you're all a bunch of haters.

In other news, Blog is the New Blog embarks on a trip in two days. The destination? Ohio.
The last time I was in Ohio it was Christmas and I remember a particular episode where I was struck by the bleakness of some frozen cornfields and kind of wanted to cry.

Let's hope spirits are a little higher this time around.

Blog is the New Blog finally got to hang out with some its favorite homeys recently. On Saturday my buddy Barry and I drank 24 oz. cans of Pabst on a side street in Capitol Hill before going to the quad at Seattle University to watch Common Market perform. Before that night I had never heard of Common Market, supposedly a group similar to Blue Scholars. Let's just say I still wish I had never heard of Common Market.
Actually, the rapping wasn't all that bad. The worst part was watching a bunch of Jesuit kids pump their fists in the air to music they probably didn't like. Blog is the New Blog also saw a hippie couple doing some new-age, "just like, feel the vibes of the music, man" dancing. The female contingent was wearing a Camelbak and looked like she had just ingested some sort of trance-inducing drug.

The world is going to hell in a hand basket.

In other news, I was just looking at the 2007 Weblog Awards because I wanted to see what blog won "Funniest Blog," but it didn't turn out to be all that funny so I decided to check out the "Best Culture Blog" thinking it would be cool stuff regarding - uh - culture. But it wasn't. It wasn't at all. The best culture blog turns out to be a site called "The Cool Hunter," and it basically just has a bunch of pictures of fancy houses and shoes¹.

Finally, Blog is the New Blog regrets to announce that the bike trip from Ohio to Quebec that I spoken so fervently of will not be happening for health-related reasons (see: I am unhealthy). Please feel free to comment with your words of consolation or the semi-obligatory "I told you so" (you can comment anonymously).

We're still bikin', though, just not as far. Today I rode about eight miles in honor of Eminem² and had a lot more fun because my achilles wasn't crying and I actually felt like I could prudently take the liberty of riding while standing up (I didn't do it in the past because it was a bit hard on the achilles).

Also, last but certainly not least, take a chance to read Chuck Klosterman's article about British handball and other things in the new edition of "Esquire." It's quite funny.

Summer is almost here!

-Boosh Clown


¹Which, I suppose, pretty much hits "American culture" on the head.

²Just kidding.

Man Crushes (Part 1)

"Hey, Mark, who was voted People Magazine's "Sexiest Man of the Year" last year?"
"Uh, my boyfriend."
(Silence)
"Mark...you're delusional."

Such is a tidbit of conversation likely to occur concerning me and my feelings for 38-year-old actor-turned-sex-bomb Matt Damon, BLOG IS THE NEW BLOG's choice for our first ever "Man Crush." Damon stole our hearts as the troubled intellectual in 1997's Good Will Hunting, and then moved on to become the hottest multi-lingual, gun-totin' amnesiac alive with the 2002 release of the Bourne Identity. Weirdly enough, the first movie I was mildly obsessed with that contained Damon was The Talented Mr. Ripley, where he played a gifted/disturbed man who creeped out Gwyneth Paltrow and bludgeoned Jude Law to death with a dinghy oar. Now, I enjoyed the movie for its gorgeous Italian cinematography, and only when I re-watched it a few years later did I realize that the subtle, homo erotic undertones that Damon exuded throughout the entire film were actually, well, overtones. Which made the movie kind of weird the second time around.
But ANYWAY, Damon secured his position as a sexual icon with the Bourne Identity, where he played Jason Bourne, a dude that speaks German without knowing how and is good at firing a gun. I suppose its sexy to watch him beat the crap out of trained assasins, but what really does it for me is the language ability. Bourne/Damon speaks everything--Russian, German, Portuguese, French, Spanish--without even trying. It's like he has a chip implanted in his brain. A chip that I want.

Oh, and I suppose he also has nice pecks.

The competition for Damon comes in the form of an admittedly mildly attractive former bartender from Argentina named Luciana Barroso. The two were wed in 2005 after Damon flew out to Bellevue, Washington, to select a ring from Steven Goldfarb, jeweler. BELLEVUE, people, BELLEVUE! I had my chance and I blew it! Imagine what would've happened if when Matt was selecting a ring in the jewelry shop my sumptuous ring finger had slid into view. Well, I'll tell you what would've happened. I'd be Mark Wetzler-Damon, that's what.

Alas, it wasn't meant to be, and now I have to sit at home and content myself with waiting for the next Bourne thriller, slated to come out in 2010.

Waiting with bells on.

-Boosh Clown

Song of the Day: Hung Up by Madonna

Poetry Wednesdays

If you ride Seattle Transit, you've probably noticed the poetry featured near the ceilings of the inside of the buses. I have noticed that often times this poetry is quite good, and it's almost always better when it's written by a young person. Are young people the only ones truly capable of writing poetry without sounding pretentious or like a drug addled hippie? I would argue that yes, they probably are. For whatever reason, when adults write poetry it sounds like they're trying way too hard. A lot of times you can tell they're trying way too hard to sound like they're not trying that hard. Either way it produces poetry that makes you want to vomit on the seat in front of you. By this logic, the best poets would be those that are extremely young, but just barely old enough to be literate. I'm talking really young. Like four and five-year-olds, or in the case of Augustine Tangas, three-year-olds.
My girlfriend and I had the fortune of being exposed to some of Augustine's work the other day as we rode the 11 from Madison Park to Downtown. Hers was by far the best poem on the bus, and here it is:

A Dream that Really Really Happened
by Augustine Tangas

A dream that really really happened,
And the mother and father didn't know,
And they loved their little little girls,
And they wanted to see the dream,
But they didn't see it,
Because it already happened,
And they were poor.

.....(silence).......

Bravo, August, Bravo. I shall keep a close eye on your work as you begin the ever-difficult transition from "toddler" to "woman."

-Boosh Clown

Song of the Day: Chattahoochee by Alan Jackson

Walk the Line

The above quote is probably one of the radder quotes I have ever read. It was also the first thing that came up when I searched, "inspirational quotes" on Google. Why is it rad (see: hilarious)? Because it's not really all that inspirational at all. I've been sitting here for the past few minutes trying to figure out how it could apply to my life, and I've come to the following conclusion:

A) It doesn't apply to my life at all.
B) It applies to every aspect of my life.

The genius of this quote is that it provides semi-specific imagery while also being completely vague. I don't own a ship, and have been on very few ships in my life, but I still feel like I have a basic understanding of the nautical world. From what I gather, this quote states that: A) Harbors are safe, and B) Ships weren't built for harbors. This is easy enough to grasp, so I decided to delve a little deeper. After applying the Pythagorean theorem to the quote and multiplying it by Murphy's law, I came to the conclusion that C) Ships were built to be outside of harbors, and D) Outside of harbors is not safe. I also drew the conclusions that E) John Shedd wore an eye patch, and F)Probably ingested large quantities of rum.

I was looking for inspirational quotes because I am currently walking a very thin line and needed a quick pick-me-up. As many of you know, I am currently training for a long-distance bike trip. As I have also stated on several occasions, my right achilles tendon is a piece of poop. Now, I knew this going into the training process; I knew it all too well. However, for some logic-defying reason, I assumed my achilles tendon--which has had very little excercise in the past few months save walking to the video store or the local coffee shop--would be completely up to the task. I assumed that bike riding would be low-impact enough to where I could beat the shit out of it and still recover quite easily. I assumed that my body would take on the regenerative powers of a juvenile wolverine. I assumed that it would be easy.

I was wrong.

So now I am walking a very thin line. If I bike too far on any given day, I risk straining my achilles tendon beyond repair and having to bag the bike trip entirely. If I don't ride far enough, I will surely have my ass and achilles obliterated on the first few days of the trip and have to bag the bike trip entirely, albeit at a later date. This is the dilemma I am facing right now, and this is the reason I was just looking for inspirational quotes on Google. Luckily I didn't have to look very far, for I instantly stumbled upon John Shedd's very inspirational quote involving ships and harbors, which I can easily apply to my own situation: Achilles tendons in bodies are safe, but that's not what achilles tendons are built for.

Or something like that.

-Boosh Clown

Song of the Day: Staring at the Sun by TV on the Radio

P.S. Note how Shedd spells "harbour" with a "u." Filthy Torry.

The Power of Like, Two Days From Now

It's hard to update a blog when you haven't updated it for awhile; there's added pressure. Like an opened bag of Doritos left on the coffee table, an un-updated blog goes stale, and reviving a stale blog is a daunting task. You feel like you have to write a blog that's so amazing it offsets the staleness of the previous weeks and makes your readers forget about the fact they spent so many days and nights checking your blog only to see that it hasn't been updated. I knew a guy once who didn't update his blog for seven months. Every waking hour of his days became consumed by trying to write the perfect blog to make up for his blogging absence. He eventually went insane and had to check into the loony bin. Hopefully this won't happen to me. I think you need to have readers before you feel pressure.

Anyway, the first chip, like the first blog, always tastes a little gross. But then you keep eating, and after a while you almost forget that they're stale. Plus, you're drinking; You're drinking heavily, and you don't really even care that the chips are stale. You just want something to eat.

So please, eat this blog up, my friends. It has been a long time, about a week, since we've posted a new blog here at Blog is the New Blog.

And I know you've all been dying for an update.

Matter of Business # 1
I am back in the Yew-Nited States of 'Merica. I have been here since May 1st. I am staying at my parents house and I recently purchased a new bike, which I have been riding semi-avidly. It feels good to be back in the US, but there are a few things I will be nostalgic for back in Victoria. I will miss walking on Dallas Road and in Beacon Hill Park, I will miss walking through Cook St. Village, and I will miss crafting modern-day marvels of engineering with my bare hands, or as some might call it, deck building.

Matter of Business # 2
Like I said, I finally bought a bike for my bike trip, and I'm probably going to read Lance Armstrong's book. I don't see how these two things can lead to me not having a successful trip.

Matter of Business # 3
I'm in love with Andy Bunker.

Matter of Business # 4
I kind of didn't want to confess it at first, but I recently read A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. You actually might have had an inkling that some sort of mysticism was going on when my Facebook status was involuntarily changed to "Mark is awakening to his life's purpose." I enjoyed the book, but the hard part is telling people what it's about when they ask me. I usually either respond, "It's about killing your ego," or:"It's about how thinking is bad." The funny thing about this book (at least funny to me) is that its entire mantra is about how happiness needs to come from within, that it can't be found anywhere else or at any other time. It can't be found in a new job promotion, or a new car, or even...in a book. Like the book you're reading, hoping to find happiness.

But whatever.

Anyway, the book is good. The thing I wouldn't do is read The Power of Now because it basically just reads like a rough draft to Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Tolle can get kind of redundant, but in his second book the redundancy is a little more soothing; in the first book, it just kind of makes you want to beat up people that meditate.

Matter of Business # 5
I forgot to mention this, but my dad is coming with me on my bike trip. This is significant for several reasons, but most notable because we will now be staying in hotels, I will have someone to talk to, and it will probably make the trip more interesting to write about. The only leg of the trip I will actually be doing alone will be from Montreal to Trois Rivieres, Quebec, a distance of 100 miles or so. Keeping in mind the fact that I rode 17.8 miles today and my butt and achilles feel like they are going to fall off, this should be an interesting leg.

Well, that's all for today folks. I hope this makes Boosh Clown a little less stale. Just for the record, if I was eating out of an opened bag of Doritos on the coffee table, they would be Doritos Nacho Cheesier.

They are delicious.

-Boosh Clown

P.S. Thank's to everyone who commented on the "Hot Dog Flavored Punishment" video. I hope you got your fill of "Nookie." Stay posted for a response from the Food and Drug Administration.