Party Like It's Boosh Clown

Everyone wants to look cool at parties. Whether it's a house party with some friends, a party at some random guys apartment, or a holiday soirée, you want people to think that you know your shit. You want the dudes to be like, "Hey, I talked to that (insert name here) guy. He seemed pretty cool"; and you want the girls to be like, "Oh my god, did you see (insert name here)? He's like, crazy. I'd totally make out with him¹."
For this reason the folks here at Boosh Clown have devised the "Top 5 Party Strategies": tactics guaranteed to help you secure your position in the hearts and minds of fellow revelers as "one rad motherfucker."

¹This, of course, if you're a guy. If you're a girl you want the guys to be like, "Did you see (insert name here)? She's so fucking hot."

At this point you are probably saying to yourself: "Wait a minute. Why would I take party advice from Mark? I've been at parties with him before, and he's actually kind of a douche bag. He listens to Aqua."
First of all: come on guys, douche bag? Lighten up. Second of all: Being cool ain't easy. Like Michael Cera says in "Juno," you actually have to try "really (fucking) hard." The guidelines that I have listed here require constant implication and may not be deviated from in any circumstance in order to be effective, and I will be the first to admit that this is something I have not taken the care to do throughout the course of my mirth and merriment career. However, I pray to Jehovah that you, faithful reader, will have the fortitude and wherewithal to implement these strategies: I pray that you will be the better partier.
So here they are, guys.
And guys? Good luck...


1) The "Bump and Run" Tactic

What you'll need:
3 to 4 of your best buddies
3 to 4 tall-cans Busch brand beer

What it is:
The Bump and Run Tactic is an all inclusive party strategy that takes about 15 minutes from beginning to end to implement. It is perfect when you just want to make an appearance, have cooler shit to do, or really need to finish a paper that's due the next day but still want people to realize that you're capable of ripping it pretty damn hard.

What to do:
Round up 3 to 4 of your best buddies and the tall cans of Busch brand beer at a designated meeting place. Make sure that everyone is dressed in retro attire. Gold chains are encouraged and large sunglasses are a must. At least one person in your group should be wearing untied Nike high tops. Now, with tall cans in hand, make your way to the party. Here comes the important part: enter the party at full velocity. Everyone in your group of 3 to 4 best buddies must be screaming. Long-haired wigs will greatly help in this endeavor. Make your way to the kitchen of the house or apartment where the party is being held; The kitchen is always a hot spot for activity, as it is normally where the beverages are kept. Approach the sink and, as a group (but not overly choreographed), shotgun your beers. At the end of the shotgun crush the cans and hurl them into the sink. Throughout the course of this DO NOT make eye contact with anyone but your 3 to 4 best buddies. If anyone at the party attempts to talk to you DO NOT respond; Rather, roll your eyes and shake your head back and forth, simultaneously sticking out your tongue and waving it about. Resume screaming and jumping up and down after tall cans have been shotgunned. When you make your exit, shut the door loudly to leave everyone in the party stunned and trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
Now relax: you have the rest of the night free.

2) The "I Just Came Here to Dance" Tactic

What you'll need:
0.12 BAC or higher
Dancing shoes

What it is:
The "I Just Came Here to Dance" tactic, or ICHD, is perfect for those nights when you don't feel extremely social but still want everyone to realize you came to party.

What to do:
ICHD requires you to be really fucking good at dancing or, if you are not a proficient dancer, really fucking drunk. If you fit into the latter category I recommend "Sporties" (drink the first 16 oz. of a forty and replace the rest with a can of Sparks. Repeat.) and a slightly modified version of the Penguin.
At the first song with a thumping bassline, make your way to the exact center of the dance floor. As in the "Bump and Run" tactic, DO NOT make eye contact with anyone (once again, sun glasses will be key). Simply stand relatively still, slowly moving your hips as your body eases into the music. Gradually begin to move more rapidly and expressively as you make a spot for yourself on the dance floor.

Key Part #1: Do not dance with ANYONE. Even if the hottest member of the opposite sex you could possibly envision sidles up to you, DO NOT dance with her/him. Remember: you are here to dance; and you don't give a fuck.
Key Part #2: Periodically throughout the night (usually every 7 to 8 songs), go absolutely nuts. Shake your hands in front of your body and move your head wildly about. This move will be especially easier to do if it coincides with the playing of a song you particularly like.

The end of the night in ICHD is fairly flexible. You can either leave fashionably early, or stay till the wee hours. Whenever your exit, just make sure that it is abrupt. Wait for a song to come on that you are not particularly fond of (anything by "Nelly" usually works), frown, put your hands on your hips, and storm out the room. The rest of the people on the dance floor will be left to wonder whether or not they are complete fools, and as you step out into the refreshing night air to leave the muffled bass of the party behind, you can can reassuringly say to yourself, "Heck yes, they are."

3) The Drinking Game Technician

What you'll need:
4-5 low quality beers
A wealth of drinking game knowledge
Magnificent Hand-Eye Coordination
Years of Practice

What it is:
The "Drinking Game Technician" tactic, provided you possess a fair amount of manual dexterity, allows you to quickly and easily become the life of the party. It is great for those nights when you feel sociable but don't feel like dancing. It is also great for those of you with a keenly competitive spirit.

What to do:
Though I said before that the "Drinking Game Technician" (or DGT) tactic "allows" you to become the life of the party, it actually requires it, so make sure you are feeling sufficiently outgoing and energetic before trying it out.
To start, get involved in a drinking game you are comfortable with (though ideally you should be comfortable with all of them). After the game starts--and regardless of whether or not you are winning or losing--commence drinking. It is essential that the DGT have at least 3 but no more than 6 beers in himself at all times while playing. This level of intoxication is referred to by those in the drinking game world as "the zone." The zone allows for maximum levels of confidence with minimal loss in hand-eye coordination sector. While in the zone you will notice that ping-pong balls make their way into open keg cups as if on a string; the cup in "flip cup" will seem as though specially weighted to ensure a final upside-down resting position. In short, the zone allows you to "get 'er (her) done."
As success in the given drinking game increases, so should the decibel level of your voice and the amount of high-fiving. For every game of flip cup successfully won or every beer pong ball successfully sunk, raise your voice's volume by at least 5 decibels and periodically high five those around you.
Key Part: For maximum levels of radness, invent a special and ridiculous form of high five, different from the standard, "two-hands-above-the-head" approach. Try inserting a special dance move before the high five or adding a chest butt.
After all, nothing says "uncool" like a stale high five.

4) The "Businessman" Tactic
Wing-tipped dress shoes
3-4 bottled beers; imported
An understanding of Keynesian Economics

What it is:
The "Businessman" tactic allows you to assert your intellectual dominance over those around you (thus attracting ladies like a moth to flame). It is recommended for quieter parties and "get-togethers." The "Businessman" tactic should only be attempted by those who know what the hell they are talking about.
I have never attempted it.

What to do:
The "Businessman" will enter the party surreptitiously through the back door. He's had a long day at work at his new internship, so he's not looking to create a big scene. The businessman's first step is to find a target conversation group. His goal is to find a group of people who are smart, but not too smart. Ideally, this group should be discussing a politics or business-related theme. After an appropriate break in conversation (usually a punch line followed by a hearty guffaw), the businessman steps up to the conversation and, with a stolid look on his face, directly contradicts whatever the person uttering the punch line has just said. As the the group stares at the businessman wondering, "Who is this asshole?" he finishes his first beer with a long, pompous swig.
(Readers note: the businessman's imported beer of choice is Asian [usually Singha or Tsingtao, depending on the strength of the Yen]. If not it will invariably be some kind of rare pilsner from the Czech Republic [the businessman studied in Prague his junior year]).
At this point the businessman will launch into a lengthy discourse, not necessarily related to the topic at hand. He will talk about OPEC and the Shah of Iran and how Jimmy Carter was the last truly benevolent President. He will contradict himself at least 4 times and make several completely nonsensical analogies, but the rest of the group will still be too stunned to notice (it is important that the businessman wear a flashy tie. Flashy ties distract).
The businessman can either call it a night here, disappearing like questionably allocated Saudi Arabian funds, or he can continue to a few more groups until his Singha is gone and he has embarrassed a few more people.
The businessman has no ruth. He is ruthless.

5) The "Wile Out" Tactic

What you'll need:
12-pack Pabst Blue Ribbon beer
1 Pack Cigarettes
R. Kelly - "Ignition (Remix)"

What it is:
Ladies and Boyz, put on your gnar boots, cuz it's time time to "Wile Out!" The "Wile Out," or WO!, is the ultimate party technique. When executed correctly, it is guaranteed to provide you with some of the most fun, raucous times you have ever had.
(Reader's Note: When first implemented, WO! may feel a bit like a scavenger hunt, but with time it will become second nature. Besides, who doesn't like scavenger hunts? Especially fucking rad scavenger hunts.)

What to do:
WO! begins with the lacing up of your best pair of gnar boots and some fresh attire. Brightly colored tall tees or t-shirts containing graphics of your favorite rapper are highly recommended. Once dressed, crack open a few Olympia brand beers and commence drinking. At this point "Ignition (Remix)" by R. Kelly should be playing at moderate to high volume, and if the elements are just right, a semi-impromptu dance party should ensue. (Readers note: If R. Kelly doesn't work put on Elephant Man's version of the "Clappas Riddim")
After 10-15 minutes of dancing, head to the porch for more beers and a few cigarettes. If you have one, this is the moment to put on your oversized New Era baseball cap. Porch time should involve at least 10-12 lewd comments concerning the opposite sex, and everyone in your party must shotgun at least 2 beers. Porch time will carry on until at least half-an-hour after the party you will later be attending has commenced.
Sufficiently tipsy? You are now ready to "Wile Out." Head to the party with your friends. While not environmentally friendly, it is sometimes necessary that at least one glass bottle be broken on the way. To do this properly, throw a bottle straight into the air, let a out a blood-curdling shriek, and run away giddily as the bottle crashes to the ground in the spot where you just stood.
The entrance to the party in the WO! tactic is one of the most important parts. You are at the party to be seen, not to see. For this reason, just as in the "Bump and Run" tactic, take care that all members of your group are hooting and hollering when you enter the front door.
Once in the party, you must do the following things at some point throughout the course of the night; the order listed here is a merely a rudimentary suggestion:
First, storm the dance floor. Wildly, and with your head down, thrust your booty in the face of the nearest (once) happily dancing girl. For added potency, peer menacingly over your shoulder. You'll know you're doing it right if she recoils in disgust.
After creating a small scene on the dance floor, head to the kitchen. Here, shotgun 2-3 tall cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon brand beer.
Immediately after shotgunning, make a break for the porch. Here you will drink more, smoke 1-2 cigarettes, and socialize with other revelers. This is also a good time to judge your "rad factor." If you have made a good impression with your shotgun antics and booty thrusting, others should be drawn to the porch, though not necessarily knowing why (kind of a "Field of Dreams" type thing). Regardless of whether or not this happens, socialize with those on the porch for a period of 15-30 minutes, and then re-enter the party.
At this point if you are properly "Wiling Out" you should be fairly intoxicated, making it the perfect time of the night to implement WO!'s second to last phase: embarrassing yourself with the opposite sex. This step is easy: simply approach a girl or guy you find attractive and attempt to make conversation. If it does not go well and you have to be dragged away by a friend, you have executed it correctly. Every one in your group must do this at least once.
After everyone has sufficiently embarrassed him or herself, you are ready to head home. The party you are at is now officially "lame." Where's the new party? Your house. That's right, WO! ends with those party-goers who are sufficiently cool heading to your house for a new and improved after party. This will usually involve rap music or reggae riddims played at extremely high volumes accompanied by poor to ghastly dancing. Note that at this point you should be completely bombed out of your tree. A good indication of this is if you go to the bathroom and find yourself grinning stupidly while you pee.

The end of the WO! is interesting. The possible scenarios are threefold:
1) You suddenly wake up on the couch to find it is the next morning. You are still wearing your shoes and hooded sweatshirt. You have a penis on your forehead.
2) The party eventually starts to dwindle down. You and your friends head to the roof of your house to smoke more cigarettes and enjoy the view. "Ignition (Remix)" by R. Kelly will be played one final time.
3) Option #3 is the most extreme of the three options. I won't get too specific, but I will say that it involves snorting Ritalin, pooping into a paper bag, putting it onto the porch of an enemy, and lighting it on fire. Option #3 is known in the medical world as, "rock bottom."

Well there you have them, folks. Five simple strategies guaranteed to make you the coolest partier on the block. Whether you're in college, working, or a semi-unemployed illegal deli worker, you can enter any party confident you are going to rock harder than the lead singer of Twisted Sister. Who knows, these strategies might even end up getting you introduced to the man/woman who will become the love of your life. And who will you have to thank for that?

-Boosh Clown

Song of the Day: "Everyday I'm Hustlin'" by Rick Ross