Travel Tips with Boosh Clown

Ladies and gentleman, today I bring to you the very first installment of "Travel Tips with Boosh Clown", a series that is guaranteed to be as informative as it is scintillating. The idea for this series came to me yesterday in our hotel in after I smelled the socks I had been wearing and nearly fainted. At that moment I found it not only high time to change socks, but also to bestow to you the knowledge I have aquired over the last few months through rigorous trial and error, and more than one baffling conversation with travelers whose first language was Hebrew.
Some of you might know already that I hate the travel publication "Lonely Planet", and for that matter, all guide books. The advice they give you is usually ridiculous: the Dangers and Annoyances section alone is enough to make you think that every semi large city is a veritable lion's den of pickpockets and murders. To make a long story short, the people who write for Lonely Planet are assholes. Anyway, here is the first installment of Travel Tips with Boosh Clown, starting with the rule that prompted the very creation of this section. Enjoy!
Rule 1) Wear your socks and until you can’t describe the way they smell without using the word “acrid.”
2) Drink the mo’fucking tap water! Don’t be a pussy. If the locals drink it, you usually can too. It will save you money on bottled water and remind you how satisfying it is to take a long swig of cold water from the sink after brushing your teeth.
3) Learn the language. Or at least make an attempt. Listen to how locals say the words and try to imitate the sounds they make exactly, much like a parrot. If you find yourself sounding silly, you’re probably on the right track. If you find yourself pronouncing the double "l" in "pollo", catch the first flight back to Bremerton.
4) Don’t get hammered. Let me take that back. Get hammered, but do it right, and only do it sparingly. If you don’t wake up with a nasal drip in a strange bed next to a girl named “Claudia,” then you probably didn’t party hard enough. On the other nights, however, drink in moderation. When you’re in an exotic land there’s no use doing what you did every night in the dingy bars on the dingy street next to your university. (See also: Earls + The Ave = Manic Depression)
Readers note: This rule basically only applies to me, as I have a drinking problem.
5) Hang out with the locals. Try to do it at whatever the cost. You’ll end up seeing parts of the city you never would’ve seen, eating food you never would’ve eaten, and talk to people way cooler than the board-short wearing Aussies at your hostel.
6) Go to church. Just kidding! (sorry Nancy, I know that one's not funny)
7) Avoid Israelis.
8) When in doubt, get the chicken. It’s always delicious.
9) Get a bottom bunk, and if possible, a bottom bunk in the corner. You can then, by hanging your towel from the top bunk, shroud yourself in your very own fortress of solitude.
If only it was soundproof; German is a barbaric tongue.
10) Listen to the song “Tony the Beat” by The Sounds. If possible, softly pump your fists during the chorus.
11) Eat street food. It’s cheap, it’s good, and until it happens to you, you can scoff and take comfort in the knowledge that only "other" people get stomach viruses.
12) Don’t listen to Robbie Williams. There is a reason he never became popular in The States. He is awful.
13) If a German person says a place is good, it’s cheap. If an English person says a place is good, it’s expensive. If an Irish person says anything, they're an alcoholic.
14) The song “Black” by Pearl Jam is epic.
15) The song "Scar Tissue" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers is terrible.
16) If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. And you’re probably in Mexico. And you probably have syphilis.

Well that's it for the first installment of Travel Tips with Boosh Clown. Happy December!

Song of the Day: White Christmas as performed by Louis Armstrong

p.s. I had to look up the spelling for "syphilis" on Google.