"Hey, Mark, who was voted People Magazine's "Sexiest Man of the Year" last year?"
"Uh, my boyfriend."
(Silence)
"Mark...you're delusional."
Such is a tidbit of conversation likely to occur concerning me and my feelings for 38-year-old actor-turned-sex-bomb Matt Damon, BLOG IS THE NEW BLOG's choice for our first ever "Man Crush." Damon stole our hearts as the troubled intellectual in 1997's Good Will Hunting, and then moved on to become the hottest multi-lingual, gun-totin' amnesiac alive with the 2002 release of the Bourne Identity. Weirdly enough, the first movie I was mildly obsessed with that contained Damon was The Talented Mr. Ripley, where he played a gifted/disturbed man who creeped out Gwyneth Paltrow and bludgeoned Jude Law to death with a dinghy oar. Now, I enjoyed the movie for its gorgeous Italian cinematography, and only when I re-watched it a few years later did I realize that the subtle, homo erotic undertones that Damon exuded throughout the entire film were actually, well, overtones. Which made the movie kind of weird the second time around.
But ANYWAY, Damon secured his position as a sexual icon with the Bourne Identity, where he played Jason Bourne, a dude that speaks German without knowing how and is good at firing a gun. I suppose its sexy to watch him beat the crap out of trained assasins, but what really does it for me is the language ability. Bourne/Damon speaks everything--Russian, German, Portuguese, French, Spanish--without even trying. It's like he has a chip implanted in his brain. A chip that I want.
Oh, and I suppose he also has nice pecks.
The competition for Damon comes in the form of an admittedly mildly attractive former bartender from Argentina named Luciana Barroso. The two were wed in 2005 after Damon flew out to Bellevue, Washington, to select a ring from Steven Goldfarb, jeweler. BELLEVUE, people, BELLEVUE! I had my chance and I blew it! Imagine what would've happened if when Matt was selecting a ring in the jewelry shop my sumptuous ring finger had slid into view. Well, I'll tell you what would've happened. I'd be Mark Wetzler-Damon, that's what.
Alas, it wasn't meant to be, and now I have to sit at home and content myself with waiting for the next Bourne thriller, slated to come out in 2010.
Waiting with bells on.
-Boosh Clown
Song of the Day: Hung Up by Madonna
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3 comments:
Matt damon. You could not have chosen a more gay man crush. Forget damon. I've been stalking danielle day-lewis for months.
And if i mispelled his name, you can blame the wine
Agreed. Matt does it right.
Really?? Bellevue? I hate those ass holes.
And that Madonna cut has been a dirty secret of mine for a while now. Glad someone else can get hung with me.
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