The Passion of the Boosh Clown

Lately, between light carpentry, stretching my achilles, and making hot Italian sausage paninis for disgruntled customers, I have stolen away to think long and hard about what in the hell I am going to do with my life this summer (see poll at left; bt dub thanks for the feeback! You guys are tremendous). At first I thought I would work in Seattle at another dead-end job: an on board attendant aboard the Victoria Clipper (see: hating myself) or once again driving the University Volkswagen/Audi shuttle (see: hating myself, hating others).

But now I have a better idea: I'm going to take a bike ride.

Yes, ladies and boyz, the vacation that is Boosh Clown's life will finally be reborn. Things have gotten too stressful here in Victoria: low wages, unappreciative customers, having to wake up at 9am some mornings--I'm fed up, damnit.
In late May, just after Memorial Day, I will embark on a 900 or so mile bike ride from my grandma's house in New Bremen, Ohio, to a sleepy little industrial hamlet located in the Canadian Province of Quebec called Trois Rivieres (just between Montreal and Quebec City). I will have approximately 15 days to complete this endeavor, which means I will have to average about 60 miles a day.
Amongst other obstacles (see: mild obesity), this trip, though still in its fledgling stages, is turning out to be a logistics nightmare (see: I'm broke). I must buy everything for the trip--bike, helmet, shoes, lycra shorts, sweet short-sleeved American flag bicycle jersey--due to the fact that I currently own nothing. Also, as I am not the most avid of bikers, I will have a shit-load of training to do, compounded by the fact that God has blessed me with an achilles tendon He got at Value Village.

Another important factor is that I will be doing this trip alone, something I already know is going to cause my parents a considerable amount of disquiet. While this is not a completely invalid concern (I'm sure there are a number of people [probably named "Bubba," or "Earl"] in rural Ohio and Ontario that drink gross amounts of Jack Daniels, recklessly drive Ford F150's, and think cycling is for "queers") I cannot and will not allow a lack of faith in humanity to keep me from doing this trip.
So that, my friends, is the rudimentary plan. I will be cycling from Ohio to Quebec, meeting up with my girlfriend, and then heading down to New York and Boston for an East Coast extravaganza. Afterwards, my girlfriend and I will say our tearful goodbyes, whereupon I shall head to a little town called Cambridge, MA, and install myself at a fairly well-known university called "Harvard," where I will spend the next four years of my life voraciously studying to obtain a law degree and subsequently one of the most feared litigators on the Easter seaboard. Then, at the age of 42, a minor nervous breakdown will culminate in me having to pack up my Earthly possessions and move to Zimbabwe, where I will then pursue a career as a full-time elephant hunter. At the age of 75 I will be reunited with my girlfriend whilst vacationing in Botswana, who will at the time be working part-time for an organization aimed at keeping peace between the Bangwato and Bakweng tribes through a radical technique that involves learning how to successfully muzzle and ride hippopotamuses. "Hippos for Peace," they will aptly be called. At the age of 116 I will finally die, but not before waking up from a 41 year coma brought on by an accident involving a leisurely ride-turned-catastrophe of one of the aforementioned hippos.

I'm sorry, I got distracted.

Anyway, I do plan on seeing this trip through to fruition. Below is a map of the approximate route I be plan to take, though in my case I will skirt Detroit (I've never been too fond of homicide) by taking a ferry across Lake Eerie from Sandusky, Ohio, into Ontario.

Good day, gentleman. And until that day comes, keep your ear to the grindstone.

-Boosh Clown

Special shout-out to friend and former roommate Tam, who recently biked across the United States, something far more ambitious than what I plan to undertake. To read about his trip, click here.

The Route:

View Larger Map